Small business is the new Race Card.

Government Says 2 Common Materials Pose Risk of Cancer
By GARDINER HARRIS
Published: June 10, 2011
Government scientists listed formaldehyde as a carcinogen and said styrene may cause cancer, but the main threat is to workers in manufacturing.

There is a part of this article that shows an attitude I find deeply disturbing. If you read about halfway down, you'll find this:

“It will unfairly scare workers, plant neighbors and could have a chilling effect on the development of new products,” said Tom Dobbins of the American Composites Manufacturers Association. “And our companies are primarily small businesses, and this could hurt jobs and local economies.”

While I feel bad for the businesses that get negatively impacted by these reports, shouldn't our first concern be for the health and safety of the people exposed to these products? Yes, if these products get a negative opinion, or are pulled from the market, the businesses that use them are screwed. That doesn't justify continuing to use them.

To add insult to injury, these same people use the same dirty tactic, “You can't do this because it will hurt small businesses!” to argue against health care legislation. Nice, very nice. Downplay the risks behind the tools of a business's trade, then tell the people exposed that they're S.O.L. when they get sick from doing the job you paid them to do, not to mention the people who buy and use your products.

The “Small Business” card has been played far too often, of late, and not just in areas of health. Anything that changes how businesses are run, or the products they use or make, causes a hue and cry to be plastered across the media. Like a flock of hens pecking the oddball until they either fall in line or die, opponents to these innovations or scientific discoveries use legal maneuvers to try to squash them from ever seeing the light of day. Should they manage to peek their heads out in any way, any beautiful feather, any element that casts them in a favorable light, is slashed and picked until all that's left is an ugly, bleeding mess that looks nothing like what it used to.

Imagine if this tactic had been used and was successful when slavery was being abolished in America. The slave industry could easily argue that abolishing slavery would cause numerous people to lose their jobs, and place an unfair burden upon businesses who relied upon slaves for their workforce. I'm sure there were many people who suffered great hardships when they lost their jobs running slave ships, auctioning off slaves, or running businesses who's profit margins were cut drastically when they no longer had workers to whom they weren't required to pay wages. Ultimately, society and business survived. Adjustments had to be made, some people had to find new careers entirely, but time and ingenuity allowed us to adapt.

I'm sure the same thing can happen now. Taking formaldehyde and styrene off the market won't remove the need or desire for products that currently use them. We'll still have dead bodies, we'll still need homes, and our vanity will still long for ways to alter our appearance. If gas and oil use is restricted, we'll still need cars and other transportation. If tougher regulation is enacted to reduce the pollution caused my power plants, we'll still need electricity. People might lose jobs working on oil rigs, packaging embalming fluid, building gas guzzling cars, or in factories making Styrofoam cups, but new jobs will crop up in their place. People who lost jobs in one sector will find new jobs as the industries that take their place grow. The increased demand for bathtubs and boats that don't use styrene in their construction will drive down costs.

Ultimately, it's not the small businesses that are making the biggest fuss. It's the big businesses who don't want to have to spend their profits on researching alternatives, and finding a way to keep those small businesses that rely on them for their products. Small businesses will bite the bullet and move on. It will be hard, and not all will survive, but small businesses are far more adaptable than the media would like us to believe.

So to all of you big businesses out there, stop hiding behind small businesses as an excuse to save money. Making money does not trump the health and safety of our people and our planet. Your CEO's seven figure salary isn't more important than taking care of your workers and doing what's right. You want a real stimulus for the economy? Stop stuffing all of that money into your bank accounts and ridiculous homes. Stop passing the buck off to the consumer and start spending some of that largesse on ways to keep our people from dying, our country from turning into a wasteland, and our society from stagnating into a swamp of economic despair.

Who cares if St. Patrick was Christian?

Ah, St. Patrick's Day. A day where many of my FB friends are posting their anticipation of a great time drinking green beer and bar hopping. Today, everyone is Irish :)

But wait, what's this dark cloud raining on the St. Patrick's Day parade? Ugh, it's ANOTHER religious bitch-fest. Yes, my pagan friends, you are right about the myths of St. Patrick's Day. There were no snakes, St. Patrick converted the pagans, yada-yada-yada. Well, guess what, there is another holiday people get pissy about, because of it's history and religious connections. In a little more than 6 months it will be Halloween, and I'll get to see the same things posted all over again, but from the opposing viewpoint.

Really though, what is the point of all of this anger and protesting? How does saying “I refuse to go out and have a good time, because of the religious roots of this holiday?” It's not like you have to go to Mass in order to go get drunk today, just as it's not a requirement that kids go to a pagan solstice ritual before trick-or-treating. There is no cosmic score keeper, counting up the number of people enjoying the festivities of either holiday. The Christians aren't “winning” anything if you decide to go out and party today. Your children aren't going to go to hell because they dressed up in costumes and asked their neighbors for candy on the last day of October.

So, to any of my friends who get their panties in a bunch over either holiday, lighten up and just go have fun. Have a safe and Happy St. Patrick's Day.

For my TN friends, if you find yourself in need of a sober driver, call 615-862-RIDE for a free ride.

Troubles With Positive Reinforcement

I have had many rants over the years regarding good or bad about parenting. Plenty of times, I've had to eat my words, once I actually had to deal with the situation myself. On this particular topic, however, my stance remains firm. I am sick of dealing with my children being rewarded for mediocre, or worse, behavior/performance.

When I sign my children up for extracurricular activities, I want them to be encouraged to put forth their best effort. I expect them to behave and be respectful, and try their hardest. I expect the instructors to expect the same. Evidently, this is a pipe dream, beautiful in abstract, but as tenuous as a puff of smoke.

My children are smart, and cunning. This can be a good and a bad thing. In this case it's bad, because they both know that they only have to work X hard in order to be rewarded. In almost every case, it seems like X= “You didn't punch a classmate in the face.”

Positive reinforcement is only effective if the reward is withheld when children don't meet expectations. Yet, Juniper is routinely getting a lollipop and sticker at the end of gymnastics class, despite the fact that she won't sit when she's supposed to be waiting her turn, or is flopping around on the balance beam because she knows the instructor will hold her up. I don't care if she is “only” four. She is beyond old enough to be expected to listen and do as she is told.

This does not mean I think she always WILL behave as expected. She is “only” four, and she does have a rather hyper and distractible nature. That's where discipline is supposed to come in to play. I have no problem with them using positive reinforcement. It definitely works. I can tell, because Juni won't be as bad as she was on the one day when they actually withheld the candy and sticker, or the days when I have had enough of seeing her get away with poor behavior and have taken her out of class rather than let it continue. Positive reinforcement is good, but it only works if there are negative consequences for behaving poorly. I've told her teacher numerous times that she can be more firm with Juni, that I'm not one of those parents that's going to get into a tizzy. She insists that this is how she's done it with other kids, and that she'll grow out of it. I think it's a load of crap, but since the facility is in all other ways great, I bite my tongue. Juni loves the classes, and is having fun.

With Willow, it's a bit different. I am already seeing the long term consequences of the misuse of positive reinforcement in her. Willow, I am sad to say, is a quitter. She likes to come up with grand schemes and complicated activities, but gives up when she realizes just how much work she has taken on. Or, she'll get excited about something, like playing the violin, or having a pet, but her enthusiasm quickly wanes when reality doesn't meet up with her imagination.

I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I want to let Willow explore her potential, and try new things, but I don't want to let her have a history of giving up when things get tough. My efforts so far have failed, miserably. The improper use of positive reinforcement has not helped. In all of her extracurricular activities, none of the instructors have been willing to push her to try harder, or to be stern with her when she's needed correcting. They've all let her spend half of her time daydreaming, and the other half screwing around, doing things however she felt suited her best. Until yesterday, I had let these things slide. I didn't want to be too harsh, or have unobtainable expectations. Then she said something to me yesterday that just brought this whole problem to a head.

Willow really wanted to take gymnastics lessons with her sister. Like so many other things, though, once it got hard, she wanted to quit. Since she is doesn't enjoy much of anything from it, I told her she could quit, but she was going to have to take a break from taking lessons for a while. The would be no new classes until she was older, and had a better idea of what she wanted to do. I told her I was reluctant to let her take new lessons because every time, she would promise she could do it, even if it got hard and there were things she had to do that she didn't like, like with soccer. That's when she told me, “But I got a trophy!”

There it was. She got a trophy, but for what?

I thought about it for a moment, before I went ahead and said one of the harshest things I've ever said to her. I told her, “They gave you a trophy, but you didn't earn it.”

To her, that trophy meant she had done good enough. This is where I'm torn. Willow is content to just do “good enough,” at everything. I wouldn't mind her being average, or worse, if she were at least putting some effort into the activity. I want her to at least try to do better if things get challenging. Do I push her to try harder at life? Should I fight to get her to find some passion to excel? Or do I decide that this is just who Willow is, and let her coast in blissful mediocrity? She excels at school because she is incredibly smart. It is not a challenge for her. If it were harder, I honestly don't know if she would push herself. If she were to be put in harder classes, I think she would learn quickly, if she wanted to. If she didn't want to, though, I would have to fight with her, tooth and nail, to do it.

Rewards without consequences are messing up my children, and it's really ticking me off. With Juni, I can combat some of the problem “positive” reinforcement by pulling her from class if I'm not happy with her behavior. She is learning, and once she reaches older classes, the teachers have higher expectations of the kids' behavior. I don't have a similar option with Willow. I can't force her to want to do something she no longer enjoys. I can't force her to try.

Anyone know of someplace I can trade cheap trophies and empty praise for a good dose of passion? While you're thinking about it, I'm going to go take candy from my baby.

Feeling a little conflicted and hypocritical, but hear me out on this one

Lesbian teens sue Minn. school over pep fest

This article was a little tough for me, as I started to see things from multiple POVs. Of course, this lead to me rambling :P

On one hand, I really do think it's crap that we STILL have to fight issues of gender and sexual discrimination. No matter what your personal or religious beliefs are regarding gender roles or sexual orientation, the only person who should have a say in those decisions are the individual, and for minors, the individual's parents. (Yes, I know that there are still too many parents who haven't learned tolerance, and probably never will. However, they are still the parents, and that's a separate battle that digresses from this debate.)

Gender roles and sexuality are an issue of personal morals, and do not put people in danger. Allowing society or government to dictate who people can love, based on “traditional” values (ie. Christian) is no different than if those entities dictated whether people could eat pig, if our society and government happened to be predominately Jewish or Muslim.

However, I think the school's reasons for changing things, and thus preventing the lesbian couple from doing this makes sense. The article mentions that the school has already had six students commit suicide, possibly due to being bullied for being gay. Now, these girls might feel they can deal with the bullying they would face, but the school has a legitimate reason to be concerned. It's not fair to the girls, or the students who voted for them, but under current circumstances, this school can't afford to allow this in the face of what has been happening. Making this very grand display, while noble, could possibly cause more harm than good for all of the homosexual students in the area. Smashing a hornet's nest with a big stick might knock it off the tree, but it's also going to send out a swarm of angry hornets that will attack everything in sight. Sometimes subtlety is the better method to reach the end goal.

Obviously change is needed here, but it won't be achieved by shoving it down people's throats. Tolerance is a two way street. The students who don't agree with homosexuality have the right to their opinion, they just don't have the right to make someone miserable because of it. These girls have the right to believe it's wrong to hate someone for being gay, but they don't have the right to antagonize those students for their bigotry.

My opinion sounds hypocritical even to myself, but I honestly can't see what other choice the school really has. It's not right, and it's not fair, that these girls are essentially being punished for their sexuality. Thinking about it, though, it reminds me of a fairly effective punishment I use with my kids. If they're fighting over a toy, and won't play nicely, then I take the toy away from both of them, no matter who had it first. Whoever snatched it needs to learn that you can't just take things, and whoever had it first needs to learn that fighting over it is not the right way to get it back.

Of course, as the parent, once they're over their fit, I try to suggest how they could have dealt with sharing the toy better. This is where the school may be lacking. They need to help these kids find compromise. Help the girls create a student group for gay and lesbian students. Have them work with the guidance office, so that homosexual students would have someone to turn to when being harassed. Work with them and support efforts to teach tolerance and end harassment. It'll take time, but eventually the school won't have to take the toys away anymore.

10 years later, and I'm still not over it..."No Name-Calling Week"

Barns & Noble posted a book they're selling in connection with "No Name-Calling Week." Due to my own experience with bullying, I decided to take a look. I read some of the reviews left for this book, and I have to say, some of them make me really sad. There were comments about how it just seemed unbelievable to them that so many bad things could happen to one person, or that they refused to believe that those kinds of things could happen, and no adult would step in and put a stop to it. Some even suggested that her own attitude encouraged the bullying, in essence saying it was her own fault! Honestly, I would find it far more unbelievable if she HADN'T developed a bitter attitude.

One comment that really got to me mentioned that they couldn't believe that she could find the same kind of bullying in different schools, from different people. From first hand experience, that is completely possible. I was bullied from kindergarten on up. Thankfully, I was never physically bullied, but trust me, the mental and emotional abuse was no less painful than a punch in the face. When my family decided to move to a new house, and thus a new school district, I was ecstatic! I had friends at my old school, but I thought moving to a new school would be a fresh start for me. That first day, all I wanted to do was fit in. That made it even more painful when the same kind of teasing and taunting started all over again. The same old story, just different faces. To this day, I STILL don't know what it was about me.

Day after day, year after year, listening to your peers rip you up and down eats at your soul. I wasn't a crass, cynical, jaded, sarcastic kid in kindergarten. I became that kind of person in response to the world around me. Of course, that didn't do anything to end the bullying, but neither did my desperate attempts to fit in. My days were no different when I was trying to wear "cool" clothes and like the same things everyone else did, than they were when I finally said "to hell with the lot of you," and went Goth. The bullying still hurt, but at least it felt like I could control HOW I was being bullied. We all cope with bullying in different ways. Some collapse in on themselves in misery, and some fight back. In the most extreme of reactions, the victim becomes suicidal or homicidal. For the rest of us, we just dream of the day when it will all be over. Little do we know that, while the bullying may stop, the pain is there forever.

It's been 10 years since I graduated high school, and to my shame, a part of me still can't let go. I know I should just "get over it," but I can't. It still hurts, just thinking about it. I want to know "why?," even now. What did I do? What did I say? Was there anything I could have done that would have made it different? I don't just want these answers for myself. Now that I'm a parent, I'm constantly on the look-out for signs that my children are facing the same kind of torment I did. Maybe if I can figure out what triggered it all, I can save my kids from my own fate.

Bullying is abuse. Mental, emotional and physical assault is just as damaging coming from one's peers as it is if it were abuse by a parent. It wears you down and leaves scars that no amount of time or therapy can make go away.

Happy Merry Christmahaunakwanzyule! Or not :P

The is my response to a conversation about saying "Happy Holidays" vs. "Merry Christmas." Some people felt that if they had to give up saying "Merry Christmas," that would be persecution. In some ways, yes, they're right, but again, this is a subject full of grey area. In some settings, "Happy Holidays" is just more polite. At work or in a position of authority, you're not denying your own beliefs, you're being inclusive of others'. When working or in a position of authority, how you act is not supposed to be about you, but about the people you are serving.

I'm not offended by anyone saying Merry Christmas to me. The person is just trying to be nice, (hopefully.) I don't think the point is to take away from someone else's beliefs, but to find a way to INCLUDE everyone. But for a twist of fate, "Happy Hanukkah" or "Blessed Yule" could be the top dog of religious greetings. Saying "Happy Holidays" is just a simple way of wishing someone a happy holiday, no matter what holiday a person follows.

I do think that the whole P.C. thing is taken too far sometimes. Getting pissy when someone uses a specific religious greeting is excessive. I doubt most people are TRYING to offend when saying "Merry Christmas," or "God Bless." However, I don't think saying "Happy Holidays" is going to "break" anyone. I see it as another example of teaching my kids that there are a multitude of religions in this world, and we should be tolerant of all of them.

At this age, if I encouraged my kids to only say "Blessed Yule," that sends a message that there is something wrong with other religions, or that ours is somehow better. I don't want them to think that. I want them to see all religions as equal, just as I want them to see all people, no matter what they look like, as equal. Young or old, fat or thin, black or white or sky-blue-pink-with-purple-polkadots, I would expect my children to treat them all with respect. So, too, would I expect my kids to respect anyone else's religious beliefs.

Bullies aren't going to go away.

I'm always keeping an eye on my oldest for any signs of her being bullied. Like I was at her age, she is very intelligent and mature, but also innocent and naive. She's also the kind that dances to the beat of her own drum. Thankfully, she is a complete Scorpio, and a natural loner. So far, what other people think doesn't concern her at all.

Me? I was a Virgo/Libra blend, who just wanted to make people happy and fit in. To this day, I still don't know what it was about me that prompted that first bully, back in Kindergarten. What I do know, 23 years too late, is what I did wrong from there.

The thing with bullies is that they thrive on watching their victim suffer. I wish I could obliterate the whole "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," thing. The concept behind it is true, but just telling kids to say that to their bullies won't fix things. In fact, saying that can make it worse.

What bullied kids need to know, and what I wished I'd learned back in Kindergarten, is that the words can hurt, but you can't let the bully know it. Looking at yourself in the mirror, practice looking at someone like you are looking right through them, as if they are invisible. Practice looking at someone like they're speaking a foreign language and you can't understand a word they are saying. Practice looking at someone like you pity them, or that whatever they said was the stupidest thing you'd ever heard. Train your face until one of those looks is an automatic reaction. Then, make a little place inside yourself to stuff all the pain and tears, and don't let them out until you get home, where there's no chance the bullies can see you.

Now, I had a problem where sometimes what the bullies said would make me laugh. Looking back, I realize it would have been far better to just let myself laugh, even when it hurt. If you laugh, laugh big! Laugh like it was hilarious, maybe even compliment the bully for such a “clever” burn. Then smile and walk away. The insults stop being fun for the bully when it looks like it made you in any way happy instead of sad.

Of course, these tricks won't always stop them. For one, sometimes the insults and harassment break through the armor. The glimmer of suppressed tears, the quiver of a lip before you stiffen your jaw, even the deep breath taken to steady yourself, can be enough to encourage a bully to keep trying. In this instance, I don't regret how I chose to handle things.

In the face of unrelenting bullying, I chose to take control. Not by doing anything stupid, like dreaming of revenge. Trying to retaliate in any way isn't going to make you feel better, or any of the bullies rethink their actions. What I chose to do was to look and be the kind of person that made me happy. I'd tried to wear the “right” clothes and fit in. That didn't change anything, except to make me feel miserable and inadequate.

So, I said to hell with it. Being “normal” didn't make me happy. I liked being outrageous, and wearing different things. I stopped caring whether or not the things I liked to do and talk about would cause me to get made fun of. In fact, I knew it would. The beauty of it was, I could decide WHAT was being made fun of. No matter what clothes I wore, I was teased. Therefor, I would wear what I thought looked good and made ME happy. Layers of patchwork skirts over rainbow pantyhose and make-up to not-match one day, black from head to toe another. My clothes and my makeup were my armor.

These tips can be the most effective, but are the hardest to learn. For one thing, it goes against the very nature of most young kids. From grades K-8, the main part of kids' social development involves finding one's place amongst one's peers. That's why the “sticks and stones” like doesn't work. Words can do as much damage to the soul as a stick or stone can to a bone. If a kid doesn't sound like they believe what they're saying, when they spout off the “sticks and stones” line, they might as well be saying “everything you say and do makes me miserable.” Their words will be saying one thing, but their voice and body posture is screaming the exact opposite.

Unfortunately, the dark side of finding one's place is asserting one's dominance. Bullying is the instinctual method of doing so. This is why the current methods to stop bullying aren't working. The complete cessation of bullying is a fairy tale. It's not going to happen. Instead, the focus should be on teaching bullied kids how to cope, how to diffuse the situation, and to give them support when they need it.

That's not to say that bullies should have free reign. That would be stupid. Persistent harassment, property damage and physical violence require adult intervention. Unfortunately, punishment and lectures can't stop everything. A bullied kid might decide to fight back. If a bullied kid retaliates in a way that violates school rules, they should face punishment for their actions, but the bully should get equal punishment also. What better deterrent to seeing how far you can provoke someone, if you're going to get punished, too?

If your kid is being bullied, teach them how to cope, and encourage them in anything that makes them feel happy and strong. If your kid is a bully, take off the blinders. Find a way to channel your kid's personality into something more positive. The characteristics that make a kid a bully can have real world potential. The ability to read a person's body language and manipulate them through that could mean they would make a great cop or psychologist, but only if they want to help people, not hurt them.

In a nutshell, the keys to surviving bullying are to not let them see you suffer, and to do whatever you need to to be happy with yourself. Nothing you can do will make a bully change. The only thing you can change is how you react, and with the right reactions, you can take control back from the ones who are bullying you.