I'm always keeping an eye on my oldest for any signs of her being bullied. Like I was at her age, she is very intelligent and mature, but also innocent and naive. She's also the kind that dances to the beat of her own drum. Thankfully, she is a complete Scorpio, and a natural loner. So far, what other people think doesn't concern her at all.
Me? I was a Virgo/Libra blend, who just wanted to make people happy and fit in. To this day, I still don't know what it was about me that prompted that first bully, back in Kindergarten. What I do know, 23 years too late, is what I did wrong from there.
The thing with bullies is that they thrive on watching their victim suffer. I wish I could obliterate the whole "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me," thing. The concept behind it is true, but just telling kids to say that to their bullies won't fix things. In fact, saying that can make it worse.
What bullied kids need to know, and what I wished I'd learned back in Kindergarten, is that the words can hurt, but you can't let the bully know it. Looking at yourself in the mirror, practice looking at someone like you are looking right through them, as if they are invisible. Practice looking at someone like they're speaking a foreign language and you can't understand a word they are saying. Practice looking at someone like you pity them, or that whatever they said was the stupidest thing you'd ever heard. Train your face until one of those looks is an automatic reaction. Then, make a little place inside yourself to stuff all the pain and tears, and don't let them out until you get home, where there's no chance the bullies can see you.
Now, I had a problem where sometimes what the bullies said would make me laugh. Looking back, I realize it would have been far better to just let myself laugh, even when it hurt. If you laugh, laugh big! Laugh like it was hilarious, maybe even compliment the bully for such a “clever” burn. Then smile and walk away. The insults stop being fun for the bully when it looks like it made you in any way happy instead of sad.
Of course, these tricks won't always stop them. For one, sometimes the insults and harassment break through the armor. The glimmer of suppressed tears, the quiver of a lip before you stiffen your jaw, even the deep breath taken to steady yourself, can be enough to encourage a bully to keep trying. In this instance, I don't regret how I chose to handle things.
In the face of unrelenting bullying, I chose to take control. Not by doing anything stupid, like dreaming of revenge. Trying to retaliate in any way isn't going to make you feel better, or any of the bullies rethink their actions. What I chose to do was to look and be the kind of person that made me happy. I'd tried to wear the “right” clothes and fit in. That didn't change anything, except to make me feel miserable and inadequate.
So, I said to hell with it. Being “normal” didn't make me happy. I liked being outrageous, and wearing different things. I stopped caring whether or not the things I liked to do and talk about would cause me to get made fun of. In fact, I knew it would. The beauty of it was, I could decide WHAT was being made fun of. No matter what clothes I wore, I was teased. Therefor, I would wear what I thought looked good and made ME happy. Layers of patchwork skirts over rainbow pantyhose and make-up to not-match one day, black from head to toe another. My clothes and my makeup were my armor.
These tips can be the most effective, but are the hardest to learn. For one thing, it goes against the very nature of most young kids. From grades K-8, the main part of kids' social development involves finding one's place amongst one's peers. That's why the “sticks and stones” like doesn't work. Words can do as much damage to the soul as a stick or stone can to a bone. If a kid doesn't sound like they believe what they're saying, when they spout off the “sticks and stones” line, they might as well be saying “everything you say and do makes me miserable.” Their words will be saying one thing, but their voice and body posture is screaming the exact opposite.
Unfortunately, the dark side of finding one's place is asserting one's dominance. Bullying is the instinctual method of doing so. This is why the current methods to stop bullying aren't working. The complete cessation of bullying is a fairy tale. It's not going to happen. Instead, the focus should be on teaching bullied kids how to cope, how to diffuse the situation, and to give them support when they need it.
That's not to say that bullies should have free reign. That would be stupid. Persistent harassment, property damage and physical violence require adult intervention. Unfortunately, punishment and lectures can't stop everything. A bullied kid might decide to fight back. If a bullied kid retaliates in a way that violates school rules, they should face punishment for their actions, but the bully should get equal punishment also. What better deterrent to seeing how far you can provoke someone, if you're going to get punished, too?
If your kid is being bullied, teach them how to cope, and encourage them in anything that makes them feel happy and strong. If your kid is a bully, take off the blinders. Find a way to channel your kid's personality into something more positive. The characteristics that make a kid a bully can have real world potential. The ability to read a person's body language and manipulate them through that could mean they would make a great cop or psychologist, but only if they want to help people, not hurt them.
In a nutshell, the keys to surviving bullying are to not let them see you suffer, and to do whatever you need to to be happy with yourself. Nothing you can do will make a bully change. The only thing you can change is how you react, and with the right reactions, you can take control back from the ones who are bullying you.
