I have had many rants over the years regarding good or bad about parenting. Plenty of times, I've had to eat my words, once I actually had to deal with the situation myself. On this particular topic, however, my stance remains firm. I am sick of dealing with my children being rewarded for mediocre, or worse, behavior/performance.
When I sign my children up for extracurricular activities, I want them to be encouraged to put forth their best effort. I expect them to behave and be respectful, and try their hardest. I expect the instructors to expect the same. Evidently, this is a pipe dream, beautiful in abstract, but as tenuous as a puff of smoke.
My children are smart, and cunning. This can be a good and a bad thing. In this case it's bad, because they both know that they only have to work X hard in order to be rewarded. In almost every case, it seems like X= “You didn't punch a classmate in the face.”
Positive reinforcement is only effective if the reward is withheld when children don't meet expectations. Yet, Juniper is routinely getting a lollipop and sticker at the end of gymnastics class, despite the fact that she won't sit when she's supposed to be waiting her turn, or is flopping around on the balance beam because she knows the instructor will hold her up. I don't care if she is “only” four. She is beyond old enough to be expected to listen and do as she is told.
This does not mean I think she always WILL behave as expected. She is “only” four, and she does have a rather hyper and distractible nature. That's where discipline is supposed to come in to play. I have no problem with them using positive reinforcement. It definitely works. I can tell, because Juni won't be as bad as she was on the one day when they actually withheld the candy and sticker, or the days when I have had enough of seeing her get away with poor behavior and have taken her out of class rather than let it continue. Positive reinforcement is good, but it only works if there are negative consequences for behaving poorly. I've told her teacher numerous times that she can be more firm with Juni, that I'm not one of those parents that's going to get into a tizzy. She insists that this is how she's done it with other kids, and that she'll grow out of it. I think it's a load of crap, but since the facility is in all other ways great, I bite my tongue. Juni loves the classes, and is having fun.
With Willow, it's a bit different. I am already seeing the long term consequences of the misuse of positive reinforcement in her. Willow, I am sad to say, is a quitter. She likes to come up with grand schemes and complicated activities, but gives up when she realizes just how much work she has taken on. Or, she'll get excited about something, like playing the violin, or having a pet, but her enthusiasm quickly wanes when reality doesn't meet up with her imagination.
I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I want to let Willow explore her potential, and try new things, but I don't want to let her have a history of giving up when things get tough. My efforts so far have failed, miserably. The improper use of positive reinforcement has not helped. In all of her extracurricular activities, none of the instructors have been willing to push her to try harder, or to be stern with her when she's needed correcting. They've all let her spend half of her time daydreaming, and the other half screwing around, doing things however she felt suited her best. Until yesterday, I had let these things slide. I didn't want to be too harsh, or have unobtainable expectations. Then she said something to me yesterday that just brought this whole problem to a head.
Willow really wanted to take gymnastics lessons with her sister. Like so many other things, though, once it got hard, she wanted to quit. Since she is doesn't enjoy much of anything from it, I told her she could quit, but she was going to have to take a break from taking lessons for a while. The would be no new classes until she was older, and had a better idea of what she wanted to do. I told her I was reluctant to let her take new lessons because every time, she would promise she could do it, even if it got hard and there were things she had to do that she didn't like, like with soccer. That's when she told me, “But I got a trophy!”
There it was. She got a trophy, but for what?
I thought about it for a moment, before I went ahead and said one of the harshest things I've ever said to her. I told her, “They gave you a trophy, but you didn't earn it.”
To her, that trophy meant she had done good enough. This is where I'm torn. Willow is content to just do “good enough,” at everything. I wouldn't mind her being average, or worse, if she were at least putting some effort into the activity. I want her to at least try to do better if things get challenging. Do I push her to try harder at life? Should I fight to get her to find some passion to excel? Or do I decide that this is just who Willow is, and let her coast in blissful mediocrity? She excels at school because she is incredibly smart. It is not a challenge for her. If it were harder, I honestly don't know if she would push herself. If she were to be put in harder classes, I think she would learn quickly, if she wanted to. If she didn't want to, though, I would have to fight with her, tooth and nail, to do it.
Rewards without consequences are messing up my children, and it's really ticking me off. With Juni, I can combat some of the problem “positive” reinforcement by pulling her from class if I'm not happy with her behavior. She is learning, and once she reaches older classes, the teachers have higher expectations of the kids' behavior. I don't have a similar option with Willow. I can't force her to want to do something she no longer enjoys. I can't force her to try.
Anyone know of someplace I can trade cheap trophies and empty praise for a good dose of passion? While you're thinking about it, I'm going to go take candy from my baby.
