My reply to the Principal

Here is my reply to the Principal's message, which I shared in the previous post. Sadly, I have not received any further reply from the Principal. I haven't had anyone else contact me, despite having contacted many other school officials, newspaper journalists, and elected officials.

******************************************************************** 

Dear Ms. Levatino,

I sent my letter en` masse in order to make sure that this point-of-view is shared with everyone. I know that you alone don’t have the power to change the current system. Now the whole school, and maybe even the school board itself, can take this opportunity to find alternative means of gathering the necessary funds and supplies for our schools. I do see that I may have made an error in who I included in my mailing. I should have also passed this on to our Governor, Representatives, and Senators. Maybe a message like mine will encourage them to put more effort into focusing on our schools’ needs. I've pasted my original email below, for anyone who hasn't had a chance to read it. 

I guess I didn’t express myself properly in regards to the number of fundraisers that have been sent home. When I say “fundraisers,” I am including school picture day, class shirts, “spirit nights,” yearbooks, “donations” to the class king and queen elections, and Scholastic Books, as well as the traditional sales. If the county is approving all of these fund raising measures, then I’m glad I sent my message to the school board as well. When my daughter is bringing home a new fundraiser before the prior one has even reached it's turn in date, I consider that bombardment. 

I think Ms. Prichard is a very nice woman, and I’m happy having her as my daughter’s teacher. However, Willow was in tears over the postcard fundraiser, because, again, we cannot participate. It was when she told me “They’re just going to keep asking about it,” that I knew I could no longer sit back. It might not be anyone’s intention to pressure kids or make them feel inadequate but, no matter what is intended, the pressure IS there. Most kids at this age range want to please. They aren’t mentally or emotionally mature enough to grasp the difference between homework and a fundraiser. Both are delivered to them in the same way, in the same folders they bring their homework home in. Subconsciously, to them there is no difference.

In regards to the Sonic and Pizza Hut Spirit Nights, I know that no one is saying, “You HAVE to eat there today.” The pressure is passively applied, in the form of those stickers the kids wear home. Again, kids want to please. Add to that the thought of getting to eat at a restaurant, and you’ve got a child filled with excitement and anticipation. That then puts pressure on parents, who don’t want to have to tell their children, “No.” We tell them no, because we have to. It is my duty as a parent to raise my child with clear boundaries, so that she can grow to be a responsible adult. It is also my responsibility to stand up for my child when she is faced with a situation that is beyond her ability to deal with.

Pressure is not the only issue I have with the current fundraising methods. Prizes are offered, but there is an unfair advantage for students whose families have the money or resources to help them reach the goal. It is no different than if you held a race between a tricycle and race car. A child with no chance of winning is going to have their spirits dampened, if not crushed, when faced with those odds. Disadvantaged kids are eventually going to stop trying.The way fundraisers are run, kids aren't participating because they want to get more money for the school. They participate, because they want candy and pizza parties.

If I have misinterpreted something in regards to any of the individual projects, I would love to know what I have missed. I think that is very relevant to the topic at hand. In the case of the art project fundraiser, the instructions state that we could order or not, but that the art had to be returned.  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if I am mistaken. The instructions, along with the way my child interprets them, are what matters. She gets to make a special piece of art that her parents can have printed on a mug or shirt or other such object. Then they get their nice little packet to give to mommy and daddy so they can buy the art they put so much work into, on an object with more prominence and importance than just a sheet of paper. Mommy and daddy can’t afford to buy anything, however, so their art has to be returned, not even given a chance to hang on the refrigerator. In their eyes, it is no different than if it had been thrown in the trash. 

I, too, wish our schools were given the kind of funding they need. The way our government ignores the needs of our educators and children is shameful. I don’t deny that schools need outside help, to make up for the government’s neglect. I am not saying all attempts to make up for the deficiencies must be abandoned. What I am saying is that alternatives need to be explored. I can think of many ways our schools could get the things they need, without having to use so many fundraisers.

Have a book drive, and set up collection boxes at local businesses, grocery stores, and the Portland Library. It may be slow going, but it would increase the chances that someone who has books they could donate would know they were needed.

2. Make a more concerted effort to collect Box Tops For Education. My daughter's 1st grade teacher, Ms. Shrull, is they only one who has made any mention of collecting them. 

3. Get the kids involved in being aware of the resources they use. Make recycling a priority, and get money for those recyclables.

4. Conserve copy paper. The majority of the homework pages my daughter brings home are blank on one side. Assignments from different lessons or subjects could co-exist on the same paper.

5. Reach out to more businesses, in an attempt to find people who can donate time or supplies. Maybe the school website could have a wish list that people could check on from time to time. Then, if someone has something the school needs, like an unused copier, you wouldn’t have to lease one every year. Or maybe local contractors would be willing to build new playground equipment if needed. Maybe a bouncy castle service might be willing to donate the use of one or two, in exchange for being able to display their name and contact info.

6. There are many websites that offer assistance to schools, in the form of discounts or donations. Here are a few I found just doing a quick Google search.

http://www.greenschools.net/article.php?id=75

http://swap4schools.swap.com/search/

http://www.recycledproducts.org/faqs.html

7. Ask students and parents to come up with suggestions that don’t involve fundraiser sales. Someone may come up with something no one else would think of. The possibilities are vast.

Finally, I would like to address this:

How you discuss fundraisers with your child is most certainly your parental decision.  How you address fundraising will determine how your child handles it.  You as well as all other families are in no way pressured  to participate.  It is all voluntary.  We don’t set children up for disappointment. We are encouraging and positive.  We are kind and considerate. I am sorry that your child is made to feel inadequate about fundraising but rest assured that does not come from school. 

I discuss fundraising with my child with honesty. I tell her that while I wish we could help, and I know how much she wants those prizes, or to go out to eat, we can’t. In order to participate, we would have to take money away from other needs, like groceries, or a house to live in. What other way do you suggest I handle it? Am I supposed to lie to her? What kind of message does that teach my child?

In a way, it sounds like you are saying that if my child feels inadequate, my husband and I are at fault, for not having enough income to cover more than the necessities. My husband and I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle. We are striving to live within a budget that allows us to pay for our bills without defaulting or declaring bankruptcy. We are paying off debts we incurred when my husband lost his job and was unemployed for 6 months. We are paying off student loans, so that my husband could have a job that could support his family. We make sure our kids have a home to live in, water, electricity, clean clothes and shoes, and healthy food. We make do with one car, set the thermostat at 80 in the summer, and 60 in the winter. I go without new shoes or clothes, so that my kids can have clothes that fit and are in good repair. We hardly ever eat at restaurants, so that we can afford to buy milk, and fresh fruit and vegetables. We went on the first vacation we’ve had in years, because it was my father’s dying wish, and his life insurance was able to pay for it. We are doing our best to be responsible adults and set a good example for our children. We are not the ones telling our kids they can have a prize, if they can get someone to pay for whatever product is being used to raise funds. We teach our kids to be resourceful, and find ways to get what they want without spending money. If they do want something that costs money, we teach them to be wise about their purchases.

For students with families in situations similar to ours, your encouragement is a pressure to do something that they are unable to do. If you are positive, you are giving children like mine false hopes. I offer solutions that would teach kids valuable lessons, while helping their school, which you seem to have overlooked. I am not saying you should stop all fundraisers all together. That would be unreasonable, and prohibit schools from paying for much needed resources. However, there is no reason why alternative measures couldn’t be explored, to try to defray costs. Then students wouldn’t have to be relied upon so heavily.

I am very sympathetic to the situation our schools are in. I hope you could extend the same courtesy to families like mine. Many parents I know choose not to say anything, because we know that our schools are struggling and desperately need funds. Someone needs to stand up for us, though. Even if I am the only one who raises their voice, I hope my words can help bring some balance and perspective to a situation that is difficult for everyone.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nicole Gessner

I do not want to see this swept under the rug. There is no reason for the schools to continue on as they have. I have offered reasonable suggestions that would not only reduce the burden on parents, but would also turn a necessary part of keeping our schools running into an educational, character building experience for children. The current method does nothing but teach kids that money is all that is important and to look out for #1 if you want to win a prize. The current method does nothing to help parents make our schools better, if the parents are unable to help in that way. We DO want to help our schools, and we want to teach our kids to be responsible members of their community, and respectful of their classmates and educators. If Ms Levatino is sincere in her desire to provide for her students, and get parents involved in their children's education, then she should take my message to heart. If she refuses to even consider that what I have to say has any validity, then I will continue to contact anyone else who has the power and position to assist me in my attempt to make things better for our schools, our teachers, and us parents.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Nicole R. Gessner

112 Hillcreek Ct.

Portland, TN, 37148

The Principal's response to my email.

Good Day Mrs. Gessener,

I, along with others received your email last evening and  certainly wanted to respond.  While I understand your frustration, I am at a loss as to why the mass email was necessary. 

You are correct in saying that schools are underfunded.  I think that is quite evident at this time as the school system seems to be in the media spotlight almost daily concerning the budget.  When you state that since 2009-2010  “ you have been bombarded with a nearly endless cycle of fundraisers”, I take issue with this.  Every single fundraiser that we hold at PGE must be preapproved through our county. This is a matter of record.    We are only allowed 2 fundraisers in which children actually sell items.  We have gotten away from the “catalog” sales due to the lack of quality of the products and the prizes as well. We do participate in the Sonic Night and Pizza Hut Night.  These are spirit nights and we receive a percentage of the profits for these events.  Again, in reality very few families participate, and there is no pressure to do so.  There are a few inaccuracies in the information you have forwarded and these relate to individual projects such as the one for art.  The inaccuracies are actually irrelevant to the general message you are sending.

I wish that schools were fully funded to operate efficiently.  Did you know that we as a school pay for our copier lease yearly?  This lease along with the cost of some paper runs around $12,000 per year….strictly from school generated funds.  Did you know that our full time computer teacher is paid strictly though school generated funds….no county money and this runs about $12, 000 per year.  These are just two examples of what our school works to provide here at PGE.  The vast amount of fundraising money that we earn is given back to our children.  The basketball court with the nice concrete slab, two quality goals and the fence cost around $11,000 …strictly through school generated funds.  Every child at PGE enjoys this nice court.  We purchase Accelerated Reader for our school  through library funds.  We had donated through the generosity of Dillard's Mulch and More playground mulch.  Had they not made this donation, we would have been out around $1,800 to keep the level of mulch within the guidelines of Risk Management. 

As to the fundraising at the local school level this is something that we truly wish we did not have to do.  We realize at the elementary age that the brunt of any fundraising in which we participate lies with the families of our children.  We do not encourage door to door sales of any type for our children.   Children are encouraged to do their best, but there is never any pressure or embarrassment for any child who does not participate.  In fact when reward parties are given for students who may meet the goals set, ALL students are rewarded.  We always make sure that students who do not participate are involved in some way with the reward. 

Have you seen our library?   While the library may be beautiful the shelves are not even half full. The startup money for the opening of PGE went only so far for the purchase of books.  The majority of the shelves remain empty until we can raise the money as a school for the purchase of books and other media sources. We invite authors and storytellers to visit our school each year.  Along with our Title program, money to pay for these guests comes from school generated funds.  So I hope you can see that we give back to our children through the fundraisers.

How you discuss fundraisers with your child is most certainly your parental decision.  How you address fundraising will determine how your child handles it.  You as well as all other families are in no way pressured  to participate.  It is all voluntary.  We don’t set children up for disappointment. We are encouraging and positive.  We are kind and considerate. I am sorry that your child is made to feel inadequate about fundraising but rest assured that does not come from school. 

If you have any further concerns or questions, please feel free to contact me at anytime.  I am always pleased to speak with parent.

Sincerely,

Theresa Levatino, Principal

Sumner County Schools:  Preparing Graduates, Engaging Minds, Developing Character

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."  Phil. 4:13

Enough with the dirty tactics used by school fundraisers

Let me start by saying that I understand that our schools are shamefully underfunded. However, since the 2009-2010 school year, I have been bombarded with a nearly endless cycle of fundraisers. School started in August, yet we've already had 2. That's not including picture day and Scholastic Book sales. My main concern is not so much the fundraisers themselves, but the kind of message it sends to my child. 

First off, I know the reward system for reaching certain goals has been in use for a long time. I dealt with it myself. Having had both perspectives, as a student and as a parent, I don't think this is a very positive system. Individual, or even a class reward, puts the onus on the children to either make the quota or be shamed. If it's a class reward, the students who can't bring in enough, and cause their class to lose out on a party or movie or other prize, are a target of resentment from other kids who could sell enough. I know this first hand. 

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with competition in regards to academic achievement, or getting coveted positions in extracurricular activities like plays or sports. The real world is full of competition, and kids need to learn how they want to handle that. That kind of competition is healthy at that age. It teaches them that they have to work hard to get where they want to in life. Challenge her to be rewarded for academic accomplishment, instead of essentially putting her to work for commission. My kid is there to learn, not to be a salesman. 

In the current economic climate, many kids have no one to sell to. My family is one such example. There is no one I or my husband could send a single one of those cards to. All of our family and friends either have young family members in school who are also selling things, or are not in a position, financially, to purchase anything. These days, many parents can't even bring fundraisers to their workplaces, as it is either against company policy, or could possibly jeopardize their job.

The effect on my child and her fellow students isn't my only complaint. The tactics being used are also unfair to us parents. How do you think I feel, when I have to tell my child that we are just too poor to participate? I have to look her in the eye, time after time, and in her interpretation tell her I must not care enough about her or her school. I have to send her to school knowing she'll have to watch other kids get prizes she can't, because we just don't have the money. It makes it seem even more cruel to me, in regards to my daughter, because she has the soul of a business woman. She is the kind of kid who could have her own business, if I only had the finances to help her with that dream. The only obstacle standing between her and a prize are my husband and I. 

Then there is the blatant guilt trip inherent in those stickers you stick on my kid before she comes home from school. What you are doing there is especially cruel. I see those and my heart sinks. Right at the end of her day, you give her this giant sticker, getting her hopes up that we might go out to eat at Pizza Hut or Sonic. Then she comes home and I have to tell her we can't afford to, every time. Again and again I am forced to remind my child that we are poor. You set her up and I'm the one who gets to knock her down. I get to watch her face fall, her smile disappear. I am faced with her questions as to why WE don't have the money for these things, when "all of her friends do." She has even asked me, and I quote, "don't you care about my school?" 

Lastly, there are the art projects the kids do, that we can get put on mugs or shirts or other things like that. The days I've had to tell my daughter we couldn't get anything with her picture on it, AND we have to give back her art work, are two of the lowest days in all of the time I've been a mom. To a young child, it's all but saying their art is ugly, and maybe mommy doesn't care enough to want this picture they worked so hard on.

There has to be a better way. Instead of offering stores the option to sell things through my child in return for a cut of the proceeds, how about asking for donations? I know many of the big box stores like Lowe's have things like paint that was returned because someone didn't like the color, or bags of mulch that either get sold at a discount or trashed, because the bag was broken. Maybe they would be willing to donate those things to the school to paint classrooms or mulch flower beds or the playground? The company my husband works for dedicates a certain amount of time every year towards community service projects. I bet many companies would be willing to do that, if someone thought to ask. What about having people who have to serve community service for things like DUIs serve their time helping the school?  The kids could bring in Box Tops for Education. They could do it anonymously, no competition involved. 

Even better, why not take the opportunity to make it an educational experience for students? There are government grants for all sorts of things, like energy efficiency and other 'green' ventures. Or, have kids collect recyclables, which can be redeemed for cash. While they do this, have a graph to hang in the gym to show them how much money they've helped the school earn. Then they aren't being salesmen.

The reward of this kind of fundraising is much more valuable than a cheap plastic FM radio that will probably break before the week is out. Prizes just encourage kids to only see the world from an egocentric point of view. They're participating in the fundraiser solely because it will get them something. The students are pitted against each other in a competition to see who is better. That is the kind of thing that leads to kids being labeled and bullied. Make the kids work together, so that they learn that they are part of a community, and that they can make the world a better place through their actions. They should learn that not all rewards are tangible prizes. Sometimes the reward is being able to feel good about themselves and feeling empowered because they could help. No child has to feel embarrassed, because everyone can contribute in some way, no matter how big or small that contribution is. Their value doesn't hinge on things beyond their control, like their economic class, or whether or not they have family or friends who can buy things. Maybe then we'll have a generation of kids who feel a sense of responsibility for their peers and their world, instead of the current trend of kids who think the world owes them. 

A bit of hindsight on my experience as a pagan parent.

Here is a great article about raising children in a pagan family.

Hand-Me-Down Paganism

I love this article. I know that my early endeavors to keep from pressuring my child have just left a void that has left my oldest in a state of confusion, as she sees and hears about all of the things her Christian friends do. Like any void, it longs to be filled, and here in the Bible Belt, it's far too easy for it to be filled with the very things I don't want my child to think.

For a long time, my child wanted to know WHY we weren't Christian like all of her friends, and are we going to go to a church? Granted, this is mostly born of her desire to go to the fun little children'c activities and playgrounds at the churches, but then, those are also the things Christians use to teach their children about their religion.

My oldest tends to have a more mature way of thinking about serious things, so she wasn't content with a simple "because we aren't," in response to "why?" So I had to do what I really didn't want to do in the first place. I had to tell her exactly why we weren't Christian. I had to explain that we didn't like the way Christians were expected to believe and behave, and that we didn't agree with many of the beliefs they have about people of different religions or girls who love and want to marry girls, and boys who love and want to marry other boys. She would grill us for details and examples, and would be content with nothing less.

I realize now that leaving your child a "clean slate" is like freshly poured cement. It's far too easy for someone to just come along and make their mark, or even for random events to leave unintentional impressions. The only way to keep that slate clean is to keep it guarded and sheltered, and even if you manage to keep it unmarred by the outside world, you just might find that it has hardened beyond the point of anything making an impression at all.

Can Energism fit in a nutshell?

I've been threatening for a while to try to explain my concept of Energism. There's so much to it, so many little side topics that are intertwined with it, that I'm not sure I can explain it all in one blog post. I could probably write a book about it. I'm too impatient to do that though :) I want to explain it now, to everyone, any chance I get. It sounds so preachy and fundy when put that way, but I'm not here to shove it down your throat. I just want to share my P.O.V., on the off chance someone else might agree with me, (which I think is the original intention behind the reason Christians are supposed to "Spread the Word," but that's a whole other ramble.)

So let's see, how to start...

First, why I call it Energism. I think everything  is made of energy. In my mind, I picture energy as the ultimately infinitesimal particle that makes up the building blocks of mass. To me, energy isn't a separate entity from mass, as theorized behind the idea of conversion in E = mc²  but just a part of mass's whole.

From here, my idea wanders from something that seems more reasonably scientific, to a realm that seems more science fantasy. The thing is, I also believe that energy has consciousnesses. for each individual particle of energy, that consciousness might be very simplistic, but gather together groups of energy, and the scope of that group of energy's ability to reason expands. It's like a hive mind, really.

These simple energy particles come together out of the desire to understand their reason for being. Energy particles coming together are like any other group or organization. Together, they have a goal, to share their ideas on what it means to be a particle of energy, and how they can work together to create something greater than they would be as individuals. Let me compare it to a family. A family has different parts that perform different actions to function as a whole. In the same vein, energy particles come together to for the building blocks of atoms. Of course, there are many kinds of families. While some are very similar, some are very different, but in the end, they are all have the same end goal. So, too, energy particles coming together may all form the building blocks of atoms, but they are not all alike. Thus, we end up with similar sized bits, such as nucleons and quarks. Now, when multiple families come together, they form communities. Like communities, the energy bits come together to form neutrons, protons and electrons. Again, different combinations, and different end goals, dictate what form those combinations become. Different communities can be very similar, or very different, in how they come together and the rules the follow, but in the end, they are still a community, and the same goes for the parts of an atom.

Now we get more complex. if you gather more and more communities together in one place, you varying complexities of towns and cities. I see this as a great analogy for atoms. A city needs many things to be able to work together in balance to have harmony. Atoms are stable when they have neutrality. Ions, atoms that aren't neutral, are communities with conflict. There are also atoms that just have a lack that needs filled. Something needs to change.

Now we have the comparison of complex elements to cities that interact with each other. Humans have communities that are perfectly capable of being self-sufficient, but there are others that have needs, or conflicts. Ions are cities that have some sort of strife, because there's an imbalance in their charge. So they either need to get rid of that particle that is knocking things off balance, or they need to bring in a balancing force to bring peace, ie. neutrality. Neutral atoms that have needs are peaceful cities that trade with other atoms for the things they need, just as we humans need to trade with other communities for food, clothing, manufactured goods, services, etc..

This is all common science, put in the form of analogy, but what if it isn't an analogy, so much as life on a different scale of complexity? If sentience exists all the way down to the simplest of particles, then what atoms and compounds are doing is not just some lifeless action performed by soulless things. Atoms and compounds are living, thinking communities, working together and communicating, or even warring and stealing on a smaller scale!

All things are sentient, now matter how small you break it down. From here, we can branch out into pretty much any aspect of Life, the Universe, Everything. In my mind, this concept explains everything from science and the occult. It even gives us the meaning of life. If everything is sentient in some way, then all things are alive. The smallest particles of energy are alive, and must have some motivation for gathering together to form complex groups. On a human and animal scale, existence revolves around attempting to survive, to create new life to replace the old as they wear out and die, and to evolve and adapt. So, to me this suggests that all things are driven by the need to live and evolve. The meaning of life is to live and evolve, to become something greater and more complex than our current form. This is the core of Energism.

Maybe Westboro Baptist Church IS being moved by the hand of God...

Counter-protestors stymie Westboro group 

Soldier funeral protestors leave in less than 10 minutes

Written by

Erin Quinn

Small business is the new Race Card.

Government Says 2 Common Materials Pose Risk of Cancer
By GARDINER HARRIS
Published: June 10, 2011
Government scientists listed formaldehyde as a carcinogen and said styrene may cause cancer, but the main threat is to workers in manufacturing.

There is a part of this article that shows an attitude I find deeply disturbing. If you read about halfway down, you'll find this:

“It will unfairly scare workers, plant neighbors and could have a chilling effect on the development of new products,” said Tom Dobbins of the American Composites Manufacturers Association. “And our companies are primarily small businesses, and this could hurt jobs and local economies.”

While I feel bad for the businesses that get negatively impacted by these reports, shouldn't our first concern be for the health and safety of the people exposed to these products? Yes, if these products get a negative opinion, or are pulled from the market, the businesses that use them are screwed. That doesn't justify continuing to use them.

To add insult to injury, these same people use the same dirty tactic, “You can't do this because it will hurt small businesses!” to argue against health care legislation. Nice, very nice. Downplay the risks behind the tools of a business's trade, then tell the people exposed that they're S.O.L. when they get sick from doing the job you paid them to do, not to mention the people who buy and use your products.

The “Small Business” card has been played far too often, of late, and not just in areas of health. Anything that changes how businesses are run, or the products they use or make, causes a hue and cry to be plastered across the media. Like a flock of hens pecking the oddball until they either fall in line or die, opponents to these innovations or scientific discoveries use legal maneuvers to try to squash them from ever seeing the light of day. Should they manage to peek their heads out in any way, any beautiful feather, any element that casts them in a favorable light, is slashed and picked until all that's left is an ugly, bleeding mess that looks nothing like what it used to.

Imagine if this tactic had been used and was successful when slavery was being abolished in America. The slave industry could easily argue that abolishing slavery would cause numerous people to lose their jobs, and place an unfair burden upon businesses who relied upon slaves for their workforce. I'm sure there were many people who suffered great hardships when they lost their jobs running slave ships, auctioning off slaves, or running businesses who's profit margins were cut drastically when they no longer had workers to whom they weren't required to pay wages. Ultimately, society and business survived. Adjustments had to be made, some people had to find new careers entirely, but time and ingenuity allowed us to adapt.

I'm sure the same thing can happen now. Taking formaldehyde and styrene off the market won't remove the need or desire for products that currently use them. We'll still have dead bodies, we'll still need homes, and our vanity will still long for ways to alter our appearance. If gas and oil use is restricted, we'll still need cars and other transportation. If tougher regulation is enacted to reduce the pollution caused my power plants, we'll still need electricity. People might lose jobs working on oil rigs, packaging embalming fluid, building gas guzzling cars, or in factories making Styrofoam cups, but new jobs will crop up in their place. People who lost jobs in one sector will find new jobs as the industries that take their place grow. The increased demand for bathtubs and boats that don't use styrene in their construction will drive down costs.

Ultimately, it's not the small businesses that are making the biggest fuss. It's the big businesses who don't want to have to spend their profits on researching alternatives, and finding a way to keep those small businesses that rely on them for their products. Small businesses will bite the bullet and move on. It will be hard, and not all will survive, but small businesses are far more adaptable than the media would like us to believe.

So to all of you big businesses out there, stop hiding behind small businesses as an excuse to save money. Making money does not trump the health and safety of our people and our planet. Your CEO's seven figure salary isn't more important than taking care of your workers and doing what's right. You want a real stimulus for the economy? Stop stuffing all of that money into your bank accounts and ridiculous homes. Stop passing the buck off to the consumer and start spending some of that largesse on ways to keep our people from dying, our country from turning into a wasteland, and our society from stagnating into a swamp of economic despair.

Who cares if St. Patrick was Christian?

Ah, St. Patrick's Day. A day where many of my FB friends are posting their anticipation of a great time drinking green beer and bar hopping. Today, everyone is Irish :)

But wait, what's this dark cloud raining on the St. Patrick's Day parade? Ugh, it's ANOTHER religious bitch-fest. Yes, my pagan friends, you are right about the myths of St. Patrick's Day. There were no snakes, St. Patrick converted the pagans, yada-yada-yada. Well, guess what, there is another holiday people get pissy about, because of it's history and religious connections. In a little more than 6 months it will be Halloween, and I'll get to see the same things posted all over again, but from the opposing viewpoint.

Really though, what is the point of all of this anger and protesting? How does saying “I refuse to go out and have a good time, because of the religious roots of this holiday?” It's not like you have to go to Mass in order to go get drunk today, just as it's not a requirement that kids go to a pagan solstice ritual before trick-or-treating. There is no cosmic score keeper, counting up the number of people enjoying the festivities of either holiday. The Christians aren't “winning” anything if you decide to go out and party today. Your children aren't going to go to hell because they dressed up in costumes and asked their neighbors for candy on the last day of October.

So, to any of my friends who get their panties in a bunch over either holiday, lighten up and just go have fun. Have a safe and Happy St. Patrick's Day.

For my TN friends, if you find yourself in need of a sober driver, call 615-862-RIDE for a free ride.

Troubles With Positive Reinforcement

I have had many rants over the years regarding good or bad about parenting. Plenty of times, I've had to eat my words, once I actually had to deal with the situation myself. On this particular topic, however, my stance remains firm. I am sick of dealing with my children being rewarded for mediocre, or worse, behavior/performance.

When I sign my children up for extracurricular activities, I want them to be encouraged to put forth their best effort. I expect them to behave and be respectful, and try their hardest. I expect the instructors to expect the same. Evidently, this is a pipe dream, beautiful in abstract, but as tenuous as a puff of smoke.

My children are smart, and cunning. This can be a good and a bad thing. In this case it's bad, because they both know that they only have to work X hard in order to be rewarded. In almost every case, it seems like X= “You didn't punch a classmate in the face.”

Positive reinforcement is only effective if the reward is withheld when children don't meet expectations. Yet, Juniper is routinely getting a lollipop and sticker at the end of gymnastics class, despite the fact that she won't sit when she's supposed to be waiting her turn, or is flopping around on the balance beam because she knows the instructor will hold her up. I don't care if she is “only” four. She is beyond old enough to be expected to listen and do as she is told.

This does not mean I think she always WILL behave as expected. She is “only” four, and she does have a rather hyper and distractible nature. That's where discipline is supposed to come in to play. I have no problem with them using positive reinforcement. It definitely works. I can tell, because Juni won't be as bad as she was on the one day when they actually withheld the candy and sticker, or the days when I have had enough of seeing her get away with poor behavior and have taken her out of class rather than let it continue. Positive reinforcement is good, but it only works if there are negative consequences for behaving poorly. I've told her teacher numerous times that she can be more firm with Juni, that I'm not one of those parents that's going to get into a tizzy. She insists that this is how she's done it with other kids, and that she'll grow out of it. I think it's a load of crap, but since the facility is in all other ways great, I bite my tongue. Juni loves the classes, and is having fun.

With Willow, it's a bit different. I am already seeing the long term consequences of the misuse of positive reinforcement in her. Willow, I am sad to say, is a quitter. She likes to come up with grand schemes and complicated activities, but gives up when she realizes just how much work she has taken on. Or, she'll get excited about something, like playing the violin, or having a pet, but her enthusiasm quickly wanes when reality doesn't meet up with her imagination.

I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. I want to let Willow explore her potential, and try new things, but I don't want to let her have a history of giving up when things get tough. My efforts so far have failed, miserably. The improper use of positive reinforcement has not helped. In all of her extracurricular activities, none of the instructors have been willing to push her to try harder, or to be stern with her when she's needed correcting. They've all let her spend half of her time daydreaming, and the other half screwing around, doing things however she felt suited her best. Until yesterday, I had let these things slide. I didn't want to be too harsh, or have unobtainable expectations. Then she said something to me yesterday that just brought this whole problem to a head.

Willow really wanted to take gymnastics lessons with her sister. Like so many other things, though, once it got hard, she wanted to quit. Since she is doesn't enjoy much of anything from it, I told her she could quit, but she was going to have to take a break from taking lessons for a while. The would be no new classes until she was older, and had a better idea of what she wanted to do. I told her I was reluctant to let her take new lessons because every time, she would promise she could do it, even if it got hard and there were things she had to do that she didn't like, like with soccer. That's when she told me, “But I got a trophy!”

There it was. She got a trophy, but for what?

I thought about it for a moment, before I went ahead and said one of the harshest things I've ever said to her. I told her, “They gave you a trophy, but you didn't earn it.”

To her, that trophy meant she had done good enough. This is where I'm torn. Willow is content to just do “good enough,” at everything. I wouldn't mind her being average, or worse, if she were at least putting some effort into the activity. I want her to at least try to do better if things get challenging. Do I push her to try harder at life? Should I fight to get her to find some passion to excel? Or do I decide that this is just who Willow is, and let her coast in blissful mediocrity? She excels at school because she is incredibly smart. It is not a challenge for her. If it were harder, I honestly don't know if she would push herself. If she were to be put in harder classes, I think she would learn quickly, if she wanted to. If she didn't want to, though, I would have to fight with her, tooth and nail, to do it.

Rewards without consequences are messing up my children, and it's really ticking me off. With Juni, I can combat some of the problem “positive” reinforcement by pulling her from class if I'm not happy with her behavior. She is learning, and once she reaches older classes, the teachers have higher expectations of the kids' behavior. I don't have a similar option with Willow. I can't force her to want to do something she no longer enjoys. I can't force her to try.

Anyone know of someplace I can trade cheap trophies and empty praise for a good dose of passion? While you're thinking about it, I'm going to go take candy from my baby.

Feeling a little conflicted and hypocritical, but hear me out on this one

Lesbian teens sue Minn. school over pep fest

This article was a little tough for me, as I started to see things from multiple POVs. Of course, this lead to me rambling :P

On one hand, I really do think it's crap that we STILL have to fight issues of gender and sexual discrimination. No matter what your personal or religious beliefs are regarding gender roles or sexual orientation, the only person who should have a say in those decisions are the individual, and for minors, the individual's parents. (Yes, I know that there are still too many parents who haven't learned tolerance, and probably never will. However, they are still the parents, and that's a separate battle that digresses from this debate.)

Gender roles and sexuality are an issue of personal morals, and do not put people in danger. Allowing society or government to dictate who people can love, based on “traditional” values (ie. Christian) is no different than if those entities dictated whether people could eat pig, if our society and government happened to be predominately Jewish or Muslim.

However, I think the school's reasons for changing things, and thus preventing the lesbian couple from doing this makes sense. The article mentions that the school has already had six students commit suicide, possibly due to being bullied for being gay. Now, these girls might feel they can deal with the bullying they would face, but the school has a legitimate reason to be concerned. It's not fair to the girls, or the students who voted for them, but under current circumstances, this school can't afford to allow this in the face of what has been happening. Making this very grand display, while noble, could possibly cause more harm than good for all of the homosexual students in the area. Smashing a hornet's nest with a big stick might knock it off the tree, but it's also going to send out a swarm of angry hornets that will attack everything in sight. Sometimes subtlety is the better method to reach the end goal.

Obviously change is needed here, but it won't be achieved by shoving it down people's throats. Tolerance is a two way street. The students who don't agree with homosexuality have the right to their opinion, they just don't have the right to make someone miserable because of it. These girls have the right to believe it's wrong to hate someone for being gay, but they don't have the right to antagonize those students for their bigotry.

My opinion sounds hypocritical even to myself, but I honestly can't see what other choice the school really has. It's not right, and it's not fair, that these girls are essentially being punished for their sexuality. Thinking about it, though, it reminds me of a fairly effective punishment I use with my kids. If they're fighting over a toy, and won't play nicely, then I take the toy away from both of them, no matter who had it first. Whoever snatched it needs to learn that you can't just take things, and whoever had it first needs to learn that fighting over it is not the right way to get it back.

Of course, as the parent, once they're over their fit, I try to suggest how they could have dealt with sharing the toy better. This is where the school may be lacking. They need to help these kids find compromise. Help the girls create a student group for gay and lesbian students. Have them work with the guidance office, so that homosexual students would have someone to turn to when being harassed. Work with them and support efforts to teach tolerance and end harassment. It'll take time, but eventually the school won't have to take the toys away anymore.

10 years later, and I'm still not over it..."No Name-Calling Week"

Barns & Noble posted a book they're selling in connection with "No Name-Calling Week." Due to my own experience with bullying, I decided to take a look. I read some of the reviews left for this book, and I have to say, some of them make me really sad. There were comments about how it just seemed unbelievable to them that so many bad things could happen to one person, or that they refused to believe that those kinds of things could happen, and no adult would step in and put a stop to it. Some even suggested that her own attitude encouraged the bullying, in essence saying it was her own fault! Honestly, I would find it far more unbelievable if she HADN'T developed a bitter attitude.

One comment that really got to me mentioned that they couldn't believe that she could find the same kind of bullying in different schools, from different people. From first hand experience, that is completely possible. I was bullied from kindergarten on up. Thankfully, I was never physically bullied, but trust me, the mental and emotional abuse was no less painful than a punch in the face. When my family decided to move to a new house, and thus a new school district, I was ecstatic! I had friends at my old school, but I thought moving to a new school would be a fresh start for me. That first day, all I wanted to do was fit in. That made it even more painful when the same kind of teasing and taunting started all over again. The same old story, just different faces. To this day, I STILL don't know what it was about me.

Day after day, year after year, listening to your peers rip you up and down eats at your soul. I wasn't a crass, cynical, jaded, sarcastic kid in kindergarten. I became that kind of person in response to the world around me. Of course, that didn't do anything to end the bullying, but neither did my desperate attempts to fit in. My days were no different when I was trying to wear "cool" clothes and like the same things everyone else did, than they were when I finally said "to hell with the lot of you," and went Goth. The bullying still hurt, but at least it felt like I could control HOW I was being bullied. We all cope with bullying in different ways. Some collapse in on themselves in misery, and some fight back. In the most extreme of reactions, the victim becomes suicidal or homicidal. For the rest of us, we just dream of the day when it will all be over. Little do we know that, while the bullying may stop, the pain is there forever.

It's been 10 years since I graduated high school, and to my shame, a part of me still can't let go. I know I should just "get over it," but I can't. It still hurts, just thinking about it. I want to know "why?," even now. What did I do? What did I say? Was there anything I could have done that would have made it different? I don't just want these answers for myself. Now that I'm a parent, I'm constantly on the look-out for signs that my children are facing the same kind of torment I did. Maybe if I can figure out what triggered it all, I can save my kids from my own fate.

Bullying is abuse. Mental, emotional and physical assault is just as damaging coming from one's peers as it is if it were abuse by a parent. It wears you down and leaves scars that no amount of time or therapy can make go away.